Taking Control

Well it's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm sorry for being so quiet lately. I've haven't been having the best time lately as many of you are well aware.

But that's no excuse.

I'm sorry.

Ever since I've been in this current apartment, there as has been one misfortune after another.  Bed bugs, roaches, mice, snakes, opossums, mold, flooding (twice) where all things that were out of my control. However, there were also things that were in my control. During the Bedbug outbreak I got a cavity and the tooth had to be extracted because i was too broke to afford a root canal. to be perfectly honest, my self-esteem and self-worth weren't all that high to begin with, but ever since moving here, they've deteriorated drastically. So you can imagine how i felt when I had my tooth extracted. Another thing that had been happening to me since was a teenager was hair loss. To be honest, this has been one of the strongest negatives baring down on my mind for over a decade now. in recent years it's become more and more noticeable and no matter what I tried, i couldn't cull it. With all that said, there were days when I felt like a grotesque, sub-human creature not worthy of friends or affections. These negatives were only magnified by the passing of my grandmother and the subsequent depression that followed.

To put it short, I was in a bad place.

There were days where I woke up and wouldn't leave bed.

I was like I was waiting to die.

Recently a few people have reached out to me and in talking with them, I've begun to heal.

I realized something. Life is some ol' bullshit. But instead of being a nihilist about it, learn to adapt so the bullshit doesn't overwhelm you.

So this morning, i took a look at all the things that were keeping me down. and I asked myself, "Is there anything I can do about any of it?" While there wasn't much I did see something I could do right away. So I did it.

I picked up that razor, and while I was shaving, I decided to go ahead and shave my head. My hair wasn't coming back and more importantly, the way it was making me feel was one of the biggest negatives in my life. So I removed it.

I gotta say, I do feel lighter mentally.


So what does all this mean?

It means I'm doing my best to be get better, and I will be better.


Thank you all for your support!

-NEME